One Year Later: Part 1 of 4

I woke up December 8, 2012 and immediately looked at Scott’s alarm clock.

8:02am.

Exactly one year ago to the minute, our little Kyden James was born sleeping. I laid there for a moment, letting that fact sink in.

I still can’t believe a year has gone by since the passing of our precious angel. We had our shares of ups and downs. Some moments were extremely testing on us. Tears were shed, heated words exchanged, but we’ve grown closer through the pain and have learned so much about each other. It’s been such a crazy experience. And I certainly don’t expect to ever “move on”. We’re doing remarkably well in my opinion, but I feel I’m perfectly entitled to cry when I have a bad day. I still mourn for the times I won’t get to share with my son. The hardest part is never knowing when the emotions are going to strike.

In June we celebrated our nephew’s 1^st birthday and as he started opening his presents, he opened a stuffed lamb. A perfectly suitable, adorable gift – made all the more adorable as he cuddled it. But I associate lambs with Kyden and when I saw it the emotions crashed over me like a wave. I had to put all my control into not crying and ruining his wonderful day. It just hit me really hard that Kyden would never get to celebrate his 1^st birthday like that, surrounded by his loving family. He won’t get to celebrate any birthday. I won’t be able to share any of his achievements or comfort him through failures or disappointments. I mourn for what will never be. That’s the hardest thing about losing a child.

I’ve found baby announcements to be difficult too. I feel really bad because some people I’m overjoyed for, and others I have to bite my tongue and walk away. I don’t know what it is, but it’s very tough to learn that certain people are expecting. Very stupid, I know. But this has led me to notice a significant lack of involvement on social networking sites like facebook. Why? Babies are EVERYWHERE. And some people do nothing but get on there and post either how hard being a mom is or how amaaaaazing their child is or that they’re expecting for the umpteenth time. Is there anything wrong with that? Of course not! Being a mom IS hard. But I would give anything to have the honor of raising my child. And praising your child is what you SHOULD do as a mom, but man do I get jealous. I could post daily about Kyden, but frankly, that would make people uncomfortable. The fact of the matter is, people don’t like to hear women grieve publicly about their dead children. I can accept that but it doesn’t make it easy. And if you can have babies, have babies! But it’s still hard to see friends having more and more babies while I don’t even have my one child to love and show off. I would give anything to have my son here. So my conclusion became just stay away from it. It saves my heart unnecessary heartache.

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m bitter. I’m just grieving. There’s no timeline for grief. Actually, there is. It’ll end when I’m holding Kyden again. Until then, I won’t be able to help having some of these feelings. But I’m doing my best to trust God and enjoy the blessings we do have.

While I usually avoid facebook, there are certain groups I do visit. There’s an Angel Mom’s group on there with mothers, like me, who have lost children. I’ve been able to learn a lot from these women and their experiences. We grieve together and we grow together. It’s been an amazing support! I’m amazed at how many women have suffered child loss. It’s like there’s this whole other world for families grieving the loss of their babies. I’ve made some wonderful friends and am grateful for this group.

I’ve also kept in contact with Jen, my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. She’s such a selfless, amazingly talented woman and I’m so glad to know her! Her pictures brought and continue to bring so much solace and peace to our family.

I’m also working on a few personal projects. They’ll take some time to get up and running, but giving back to others is another way that’s helped with the grief and something I'd like to focus more time on. I won’t say much here, but I want to use my art to do this and I hope I can have a positive influence in other’s lives.

So while we still experience hard days, we’re moving along well. Not moving ON necessarily, just trying to continue following the path that God has for us, remembering that we still have to be worthy of being re-united with our precious angel someday. He helps keep us on the right path.

Here are some pictures we took throughout the year at Kyden's headstone, leading up to his 1 year Angelversary/Birthday.