Right
now the prominent feelings I have are stress and exhaustion, which is why I decided
I need to write. Writing my thoughts out helps relieve some of the stress.
Because
Stress + Pregnancy = Not Good.
I’m
having a baby in about two months. In two months my life will change forever.
Scott and I have been married for almost 3 ½ years and it is amazing how used I
became to just having the two of us. The idea of adding a third body to our
family still hasn’t entirely sunk in. I think losing Kyden has
kind of made the entire pregnancy experience surreal for us. It’s hard to
imagine bringing a baby home and getting to keep him this time. I don’t think
it’ll feel real until I’m holding him in my arms. Even then it will probably be
unbelievable.
I
have no idea how to be a mom. Yeah, I’ve changed diapers, I’ve bottle fed, and
I’ve babysat. But there’s always been an end, a parent to return the child to.
But soon it’ll be the other way around. Scott and I will be the parents. Am I
ready? Is anyone ever ready? You watch parents and wonder how they do it. Give
up everything in order to do and be anything their child needs. I hope I’m
unselfish enough to be the best mom I can be for him.
Sometimes
when this little boy is kicking and squirming like crazy, I sit and wonder what
kind of child he’ll be. What will he look like? Will he have his dad’s deep,
brown eyes and my crazy curly hair? What will his personality be? Will he be
loud and rambunctious or quiet and thoughtful?
I’m sure he’ll tease me, just like his dad does. It’s just another way
we say “I love you”.
I
imagine him playing games with his daddy, learning to throw a baseball,
football and any other sort of ball he can get his hands on. I want to teach
him how wonderful life can be, and how important it is to recognize lessons
learned from trials and disappointment.
I
worry about being able to take care of him. Will I have to work full time in
order to help support our family and leave him in the care of another? No one
can raise my son the way Scott and I can. But we’re no stranger to reality. We
knew when we decided to get pregnant that sacrifices would have to be made.
Granted I thought we’d have more time to prepare. But when you get pregnant the
first try there isn’t much you can do except watch that deadline draw closer
and closer and hope and work and pray that things work out.
Things
will work out. I worry, but I think that’s only natural. Having a baby is a big
step. But Scott and I aren’t alone. Somehow, someway we’ll figure out this
whole parenting thing, and enjoy watching our second son grow into an amazing
man.
Pretty
amazing what we’re doing.
We’ll
see you soon, baby boy.
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